Just living life and missing you.

It is kind of bizarre how my grieving mind works. I know that I should take my dad’s passing and use it as a catalyst to change the world. Not just the world, but change the hearts of the people I know and love. What I mean by that is when my dad died, something inside me broke and I knew that it would never be fixed. I knew that it would help me love deeper and it would make me feel closer to my mom and brothers and sister in laws because they were with me through it all. I knew that it would make the little things that bother me or annoy me, seem not so big because after all, what could be worse than losing your dad? And for the most part, all of this is true. But sometimes when I am working or am in a bad mood, I forget just how trivial these things are. I have realized that anything small that is stressing me out today will probably be better tomorrow. I get stressed about planning my lessons, but then I get them done in no time. I get mad at my students because lets be honest sometimes they are a pain. Then I get to school the next day and have a perfect school day. Some days I stress about money but if I just wait a few hours, it doesn’t seem so bad. I struggle with just stressing for no reason when sometimes I just need to sit and take a breath.

I say all of this just to reiterate how trivial some things can be and just how much time I spend thinking about them when in reality they are not that bad. It isn’t worse than losing a parent. It isn’t worse than watching someone you love so much battling through a war with his own body. And watching him go from being the big, funny Army guy to someone who can barely get around by himself. Those are only memories I hold on to as a reminder to live life to the fullest. So this is my reminder to live life fuller and better than I am living right now. To remember that life will always throw me curveballs and there will always things to worry about but I am alive! I have a house and a career and a dog and family that I love. I will never be alone because I have them. I miss my dad more than I could ever put into words. I am sad when I think of things he wont be here for and the things he has already missed but I know that he is watching us and smiling and probably making fun of us because that is what he was always doing. Almost five years after his loss and I am choosing to use my memories and my heartache as a stepping stone for how I want to live my life.